Life, life, life

Helllooooo.

Oh my, I finally have the time (& energy) to write.  I’ve missed this, I’ve missed you-o’ wonderful blog-you.  Life has been busy! So hmmm, I don’t quite know where to start…

But we’ll try here and see where this takes me.

I’ve been back to work for a little over 2 months now.  I can’t say I’m ecstatic about it, but I’m not miserable either.  If only there were more hours in the day (or I worked less hours hehe) to spend time with my girl AND be in the office.  I miss the days we went to the library and to the park, the mornings we could slowly roll out of bed, and the afternoons walking alongside our Fraser River pathway.  However, I am enjoying drinking my coffee as slowly as I want (once I get to my desk), chatting with people who are actually able to engage in conversation, and gaining back some of the independence I had lost.  I am still trying to get into the groove of being a working mom, but it is getting easier. (Well maybe not easier– I might just getting better, as they say.)

However, this brings me to my thought of the day; a feeling of being ‘underwhelmed’ in certain areas of my life, I guess you could say?  I was on such a high this past year.  Yes, it was hard… VERY hard.. but I was doing it, and I was doing it well.  I felt I was making a difference, and my god I WAS making a difference!  I overcame obstacles every.single.day.  I saw results.  She was growing and learning and developing right before my eyes- and a lot of that was because of me.  I felt needed.  I gave value.  I had purpose.

Now, I understand that the role of a mother never changes.  She needs me in different ways now then she did when she was a newborn. It’s just after all the trials and tribulations during that first year of parenthood, I feel that I have so much more to give, to do, to contribute.  I never knew how strong I really was.  It’s about understanding my value and where I can make a difference- not as a mother, but as a strong, intelligent, spirited woman.  Enough has never been good enough for me. I don’t want to coast through life.  I want to be motivated and challenged; to grow into something better then I was yesterday.  Yes, I am a mother but I am also a woman.  A woman with a career, with dreams, with ambitions; and right now, my “motherhood-fulfillment-meter” is skyrocketing, but my “successful-badass-woman-meter” needs a little work.

Okay, that’s enough from me tonight.  Too tired to edit this post, just needed to jot this down. dammit. Can’t we (I) just BE happy? LOL.

Goodnight xoxo.

 

 

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World Breastfeeding Week

As many of you know (from those who have read my previous posts) breastfeeding is very special to me … And in honour of World Breastfeeding Week:

We’ve made it to 12 months and although it hasn’t always been easy, it’s been worth it (for me).  I struggled tremendously in the first couple months so to still be nursing presently is something I am endlessly grateful for.  I often get asked how much longer I’ll continue, and the truth is I don’t know.

But what I DO know is that I will forever be an advocate for the normalization of breastfeeding.  Sometimes it can be inconvenient or uncomfortable (mostly for others)… But we do it anyway; with the utmost love, and  without giving a damn what anyone thinks because let’s be real, there’s nothing more essential, and rewarding than feeding our children… especially when you work so hard to do so).

And more importantly, I will always support every woman no matter how they feed their babies- Boob, bottle, breast milk or formula- because I get it… I get the pressure, the opinions, and I get the tears, frustration, and the feeling of complete failure when nursing doesn’t work out as planned.  Because the truth is not everyone that wants to breastfeed can, and not everyone that can wants to… Either way, it’s a difficult road that doesn’t need judgement, and although it is National Breastfeeding Week, whether you are breastfeeding or not I have so much respect for all you mamas out there.

 

Linnaea’s Luau

We decided to throw a Luau themed party for Linnaea’s first birthday for a couple of reasons: One- seeing as I wanted to make most of the decor myself, I figured because there were so many Hawaiian-style options in terms of decorations it would be easy enough to come up with ideas, two- I wanted it to be super colourful, and three- I really want to go to Hawaii… so why not bring Hawaii to us!

Banner read: Linnaea Is One (with palm trees)

 

In case you haven’t noticed, I can be a bit of a stress case and preparing for this party was no exception.  I was up until 1am making treats the night before, when it was finally time to sleep I tossed and turned for what seemed like an eternity (thinking of everything that could go wrong, of course), and before I knew it it was time to rise and shine before the girl woke up so I could get myself ready and finish her smash cake.  The day of, I decided to give myself two hours of ‘set up time’ which seemed like more than enough time but as always, I was scrambling, barking, and sweating till (and past) the very moment guests arrived.

But you know what, sometimes I just need to re-effing-lax a bit because in the end it always seems to work out.  I was super happy with how it all came together- people were laughing, the food was delicious, and most importantly my girl was surrounded by so.much.love.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to my BFF and SIL for helping me set up, to those who made sure cutlery was restocked/candy jars were refilled/& everything kept flowing, our cousin who made the most perfect cake and cupcakes, to everyone who helped clean up afterwards, and to all of you who came and spoiled our girl.  THANK YOU. 

Now in case you ever decide to through a Luau themed party, here are some ideas… I thought they were pretty cute (lol).

 

xoxo.

a little #tbt

I’m currently in the midst of planning my girl’s 1st birthday party and things have been hectic, and messy, around our house lately.  I’ve been trying to do as much DIY decor as humanly possible which means all of my ‘free time’ while baby sleeps has been dedicated towards cutting and gluing, resulting in my writing (and reflecting) to be put on the back burner… for now.

However, last night as I was putting the final touches on some things I’ve been working on, it hit me: MY GIRL IS TURNING ONE!  Hubby and I were just talking about how quick this last year has flown by, yet how long it feels since we’ve become parents; we can’t imagine life without her.

In the grand scheme of life the passing of one year may seem insignificant, but let me tell you, this past year has been the most remarkable, momentous, joyous time of my life. There may come a time when Linnaea wonders whether her existence has impacted the world in any way and I want her to know she undoubtedly has.  She has touched me and the people around her in more beautiful ways than she’ll understand (until she’s blessed to have babies of her own, of course); she’s brought laughter, love and light into all of our lives and as much as I try, it would be impossible to express all that I feel into words.

(And to think, last year on this day, my water broke- and we’d soon come to understand all that entails with being a parent.)

The three of us, we’re growing together.  Every moment hasn’t been easy, but it’s been worth it.  We’ve cried, and not because we are angry or sad but because there are times we wish we could do more, give more, be more for her and our little family.  And what’s crazy is that right now it’s easy- we can bring her inside when it’s raining or turn off the TV when the images are too difficult to watch; we can turn on the lights when it’s dark or wrap her up in a blanket when she’s cold.  But if we’ve done our job right, one day she won’t need us anymore in the same ways she does now, and as heartbreaking as that sounds (to me), that’s the goal.

So, Happy almost 1 year baby girl.  From a quote I once read, we’ll ‘introduce you to the beauty that lies within your soul.  Instill it into you, before [anyone or anything] defines it for you, and your precious eyes will always see your worth.’  (Awakened Vibrations).

Below are some raw, and very real photos from our first couple of days. Thanks Cher for capturing these moments <3.

 

Fam jams

My apologies as it’s been a while since I’ve written anything lately… my little family has been busy!  Over the past couple months we’ve taken a few trips to visit family living in other parts of BC/Canada and so what better than to write a post about the fam jams we’ve been part of.

My family has always been close.  Before my Nana passed away we would have dinners every Sunday at her home; no matter how you were feeling or what you were doing that day- you came to dinner.  And I’m not just talking about my immediate family, but my aunts, uncles and cousins too.  I loved it.  Her home was our home and so we always felt comfortable and relaxed; we caught everyone up on our busy lives and teased each other whenever we had the chance… not to mention she was a wonderful cook!

Now that she has passed, we unfortunately do not see each other as often as I’d like but the times we do, it feels as though nothing has changed.

It’s extremely important to me for Linnaea to be close with her family.  Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, everyone on both mine and Joel’s side.  I won’t get into it now, but our family tree is a wild one and I mean that in the best way possible- we have branches on branches on branches- and Naea will have an interesting time explaining  who’s who as she gets older (hehe).  Our girl has 3 sets of grandparents on each side… 6 in total! What a lucky girl!  Her world is bursting with love and that couldn’t make me happier.

We has such a good time in both Calgary, AB and Scotch Creek, BC – there really is nothing better than spending quality time with the ones you love.

 

Aint that the truth

With social media giving us easy access into other people’s lives it’s normal to get caught up in what we think is the truth.  (funny this post comes after ‘Mamarazzi’).  It’s no secret we carefully select and filter how we want our lives portrayed.  Let’s be real, is that not the exact point of instagram? And I admit, I’m guilty.  I try to post the best pics- posting only the ones where I catch my girl smiling or making some adorable face; sometimes I even make my family pose for candid shots and I almost always filter the crap out of my selfies to hide my eye bags, with not one but TWO apps- yet sometimes I still find myself comparing aspects of my life to what others choose to share about there’s, Moms particularly.  Crazy, huh?

With this being said, I need to get something off my chest.  Well, mostly because I almost had a nervous breakdown, writing helps calm my nerves and hopefully this speaks to one other mom today to show them they are not alone.

Last night I had less that 4 hours of sleep.  My girl STILL wakes up every 2-3 hours and after I put her to bed for the 3rd time (around 3am) I couldn’t fall back asleep.

The nap I look forward to the most is her first one which she usually takes around 8am.  I can eat breakfast, drink my coffee, rest for a bit and get ready for our day.  I need that nap.

But today, SHE JUST WOULDN’T GO TO SLEEP. I took her into her room around our normal 8am time, she was rubbing her eyes and yawning… showing all the sleepy signs but WOULDN’T GO TO SLEEP.

With my lack of sleep last night I already felt defeated before the following process began.

I let her cry, I brought her back out to play, I rubbed her head, patted her back, laid in our bed with her, sung to her, rocked her (standing and sitting).. for 3 hours. THREE HOURS. She’d cry when I put her down, she’d cry what I picked her up- she didn’t know what she wanted and I seriously almost lost my shit.

(please let me continue because I’m on a roll right now)

Not to mention, I’m 28 years old and have eye bags and wrinkles around my eyes like I’m over 60 (sorry 60+ year olds…) probably from not sleeping longer than 4 hours at a time for the last year.  My boobs are destroyed from breastfeeding on only one side and I have chipped shellac nail polish on almost every finger because I don’t have time to get them removed.  Our laundry pile is as tall as me and I have nothing but eggs, mio and baby food in our fridge because I haven’t had time to go grocery shopping (we were supposed to go this morning after her nap). I also forgot to get diapers.  Which means, I have no diapers.

Some days are harder than others.  Some days aren’t hard at all.

But today I’m a hot freakin’ mess.